Admit it… you were convinced, as most of us, your story is unique.
The warm feeling of home coming in every encounter, the velvet softness of your embraces, the cotton candy sensation that you were made for each other, the ravishing thought that your minds are alike. And the mind-blowing sex.
But after a love and lust story of a few years, months or, in some cases just days you find your communication is at a minimum, your emotional connection is as touchable as the treasure at the end of the rainbow, your sex life says “oh, wait, wasn’t it more? Or at least more intense?” And you are close to confirming the statistics.
You can resign yourself, feel miserable and unlucky and say it’s just the way life is.
Or you can rewrite the whole script. Here’s my behind-the-scenes stuff.
People often ask me how is it possible that after more than 25 years of relationship, 2 kids, 5 pregnancies, 1 house lost, 2 businesses lost, a crisis (2008), a pandemic and many other obstacles, not only that me and my husband are together but there is still passion involved? Sometimes the question is not asked explicitly, but I can hear it in the minds in front of me.
Other times I am told “you are a lucky person”. No, I am not. The way I see it after all these years, luck is a word invented by us, humans, when we want to justify our own helplessness. I was there too.
Believe me, it’s not luck. It’s creation. And transformation. Individual and in couple. It’s not happiness that you obsessively want to search for. It will naturally come after you’ve learned to play the ongoing game of couple transformation.
I’ve been in the dark, too. Not only once. But the dark triggers the search. And the search and curiosity are the best things that we’ve been equipped with.
When you are stubborn enough to search to understand things and understand yourself, chances are that all the nights invested in finding answers will pay off. Contrast is necessary, in fact is mandatory. Without continuous contrast we would end up groping even in the light because we can appreciate light only in relation to the darkness. It’s like in the story with the young fish that don’t know what water is because they are so used to it that for them it doesn’t exist.
“Each new day spent together should be a choice not an obligation.”
No, there are no recipes, but any attempt to reach a certain destination implies that you follow some coordinates. And if you miss one of them, you reposition yourself.
What I’ve learned in so many years (over 25) of the same relationship applies to lifetime couples as well as to the 1-month ones.
To own your life
When the couple is made off (even if not from the very beginning) two individualities, when professionally and hobbies related each has his/her own road and when each one’s needs are addressed with gentleness but meanwhile with firmness (a combination which is ok for you to learn on the way), the couple will not be defeated by the huge relationship gap that can appear. Otherwise, the physical attraction will be completely helpless.
I don’t think I am able to stress enough how important is the freedom of the partners and how precious it is to give up building possible scenarios, even when doubt stubs you directly in the heart. In 99% of the cases scenarios have nothing to do with reality. We all want this kind of freedom, but to survive, some of us need to convince themselves that we are good without it. But, to survive or to thrive is (should be) a choice.
Make Self-Leadership your religion
Unfortunately, we become broken puppets over time and what makes repairing even more difficult is we realize this very late, or we lie to ourselves “not me”. We won’t be able to manage nobody or nothing before we succeed in doing it with ourselves. Or if we insist on managing anything before ourselves, it will imply long-term losses for the shareholders and stakeholders.
Watch yourself in the mirror
The one in front of you and the one inside of you. And ask yourself, would you date you? Isabel Allende, the famous Chilean American writer with 25 published books and over 60 prizes and distinctions said in an interview that every morning she wakes up at 6,00 and after she pours herself a coffee, she does her make-up, puts her high heels on and climbs up in her attic where she plunges into 10 hours of writing and documenting. She also believes that love at 78 is no different than the one at 18J (who am I to disagree?). Anyway, both women and men, we’d better consider how attractive we are as a presence, especially personality and energy related. Make-up and high hills are (sometimes) optional. 😊
Oops, that comes hard. And arrives late. It means that you do not always look to be validated, to have the undivided attention of the partner. Face it, but he/she won’t be able to take care of you every minute and to agree with you every time.
Forget dependance and docility
They shrink. I start to see these two both to women and men and the straps they form cut wings and tear off passion.
You made a mistake. You analyze. You alchemize.
You become less only if you repeatedly make the same mistake without initiating any change in you.
Ladies, be mistresses! Gentlemen, what’s the masculine for mistress?
I wish we would take our heads out of our butts and not full ourselves that it is enough to be impeccable familyists, cult, and prude (God forbid!). Sorry Ladies and Gents, but I will say words that you hate and are exhausting. Mistresses and sugar boys. Ladies, you need to be wives/girlfriends and mistresses. Gents, you need to be husbands/boyfriends and sugar boys. Don’t boil over! I didn’t say it will be easy!
Let’s embrace it. If even in business it’s accepted that vulnerability is sometimes needed and profoundly human, be sure that in relationships this thing works miracles. Yeah, I know, it’s a siren sound for men.
See yourself exactly how you want your partner to see you
Thing is you don’t have to change anything about another person. In fact, you hardly can. You must work only on yourself. Do all you have to do to see yourself confident, bold, shiny, alluring, seductive or any other way you want to be seen. You might be surprised by the result…
I dare to say that the 10 coordinates will take you where you want if you also pay attention to your energy. Choose to give them a chance and you will see it worth every inch of effort, every drop of sweat. I am the living proof for that. You don’t have to do it all at once, but gently begin with the first three and you’ll see the changes. And then the math of the Universe will work its magic.
Come back to this post every time you feel like and share your progress with the world. We all need to see how much power we hold inside.
“It’s the heat that drives the light
It’s the fire it ignites
It’s not the wakin’, it’s the risin’ “
